High Society

Sitting peacefully, minding my own business, a friend sitting next to me suddenly blurts out:

S: Kam 6oolich?

Me: 163 cms. Why? (What a burning question?)

S: You're not tall!

Me: Whaaa? I never said I was tall!! (At least I'm taller than you! No I did not say that, not really fond of stating the obvious!)

S: Hahahaa

Me: That was so uncalled for! When did I ever say I was tall?

S: No I'm just saying.

Me: How tall are you?

S: 158 cms

Me: Really? (Read= You look shorter!)

S: Why doesn't anyone believe I'm 158 cms?

Me: Maybe because you are not 158! (No, again I didn't say that!)

S: No, I'm just saying you're not tall.

WTH??

I feel..

A bit lost but I can find my way through the crowd.
On the verge of drowning but I can reach the shore.
A bit lonely but I can enjoy the solitude.
On the edge of madness but I can climb back to sanity.
A bit disheartened but I can pull myself together.
On the brick of falling but I can push myself the extra mile.

There are moments when I feel so insecure, it paralyzes me. I stand in my own way of success, for reasons I cannot phathom. The Freudian explaination would be that my subconscious tells me I am unworthy of success. I am intelligent and hardworking. I don't manipulate people. I don't take credit for things I don't do. I don't demand respect, I earn it. I am worthy of success.
I am trying to defend myself from myself for myself. It's a brutal battle, and the internal conflict is chaiotic. One thing I learned by experience is that you have to pick your battles. This is the battle I picked and I am determined to win it.

Dilemma

I am genuinely a rational person. I think before speaking. I think before doing anything. I think before thinking. Sometimes to an annoying degree. And on the rare occasion when I allow spontaneity to take over, I dwell in guilt and self-criticism, killing the rush that comes with a spur-of-the moment decision.
But I can be stubborn too. It comes with the territory. When I plan something out for so long in my mind before executing it, it becomes next to impossible to accept a different approach. I fail to take a step back to review the situation with a fresh perspective. I focus on the young lady and fail seeing the old lady. I fail to have what self-help books call a paradigm shift. And that's just one of the problems with being a thinker.
Currently I'm stuck in a tight corner.
Rational, stubborn and feminist me all happen to agree on a certain thing, which is something that only happens once in a blue moon. But the nice and considerate me says something else. The first me is thinking Win-Lose, only because the second party deserves to lose because of their caveman mentality. The second me is thinking Win-Win, lesser win for me, more win for the second undeserving party. If I go ahead with Win-Lose, albeit completely justifiable, valid with mass approval, I will carry the burden of hurting someone and depriving them from something they wanted. If I go ahead with Win-Win, I will be betraying the whole feminist movement.
To lose or not to lose, that's the question.

Headache

Been having an on going headache for the past 2 weeks. Now it reached a point where I want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall, until either the pain subsides or I lose consciousness. Meanwhile, the insomnia continues, the nausea continues and I develop a new symptom, double vision! So has my lenses prescription changed, causing the headache causing the insomnia? Or is the insomnia causing the headache and nausea and double vision?
Whichever way it is, the culprit is stress, which I need to get under control. I am working a lot, hardly getting enough sleep or eating, and filling up on caffeine. Not really the healthiest lifestyle!

I am in desperate need of some me time!

Hatered

Just when I thought you could not stoop any lower, you proved me wrong!

Recap

I lost a relative
And lost myself
I fell out with a good friend
Got rid of a bad one
And got ditched by a clingy one
I repatched after the fall out
But still did not find myself
I nursed a broken heart
I failed an important exam
But took it gracefully
And realized I arrived at the wrong airport

Happy New Year!