=)

In mood for...

Chocolate, hopelessly romantic songs, Iraqi accent and lazy mornings.

Feeling: Hormonal. Still brooding. Still dazed. Still smiling sheepishly.

Soundtrack:
إنسى كل الناس خليني احضنك
غمض عيونك وإنسى بحضني نفسك
إنسى عمرك وأنسى عمري
امتزج بيا وصير عطري
ليش وانا وياك احس بالوقت يجري
انسى كل الناس كل الناس
خليني احضنك
هذه اول مرة احس كلي عشق
اعطيني فرصة اتنفسك خاف اختنق
وياك انت اتأكدت اني قبلك ما عشت
وعلى كل لحظة بدونك يا حبيبي تندمت

The dilemma of the blank page

Apart from half sentences and new lines, I don't seem to be able to write anything. I know if I unload I will feel much better. The thoughts in my head are racing, trying to push each other out of the way, but they seem to have blocked each other's way, and are all stuck at the exit, hindering each other's departure, screaming in union, let us out. Let's give un-edited writing a go, shall we?

Let's start with an understatement; I feel empty. For the past year, I've been devoted to a project, as much as I complained, as much as I whined, as much as I was waiting for it to be over, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the air of importance it gave me, the feeling of accomplishment, the joy that came with every deadline met, the happiness with getting things done my way. Yes I complained about the overflowing inbox, the endless phone calls and messages, the urgent midnight calls, the not so worthwhile meetings, but I knew the moment it will be over, my life will come to a screeching halt, and all the glow that came with it, will suddenly blow away, leaving me stumbling for a while, until my eyes get used to the darkness again. Yes, I am being melodramatic about it, but it's a feeling, and I get it after each event, this time it's hitting me stronger, this being my final year here, and for a person who gets more attached to places than to person, I seem to be taking it a little bit too hard. Places were inhabited. Friends were made. So were nemesis. Personal details were shared. And tons of conversations, that will echo in my head for a few more months. Yes, let me dwell in my emotions for a while. They seem to be seasonal. If you ever jogged, ran or walked really fast on a treadmill, I am sure you experienced that sudden jolt when mid-stride the treadmill, for whatever reason, stops, your body still moving, your breathing still rapid, and when your foot hits the belt, your knees lock in reflex, while you try to find your balance, and stop. That's how I feel. The treadmill stopped. I am mid stride. I am trying to place my feet right, in order not to fall. Melodramatic? Melancholic? Well, maybe just mad, but at least I am admitting it, and that makes me on my way to recovery, right?

What comes next on my agenda? Well, maybe I should dwell a little bit on the fact that I did not even get a chance to bask in the glory of my little success. I upset someone, someone who's opinion I value. Someone who I look up to and have throughout the past year nagged for advice and guidance. It wasn't one major thing, but little things, that built up, and knowing this person, and their high threshold for mistakes, I think I passed the line of nuisance and just hit the jackpot with my excuses and idleness. And maybe it is too late for repentance. I did work hard, heart and soul into each detail, yet I managed to disappoint one of the few people who's opinion matters to me. I just wanted a few moments to celebrate my personal triumph. I did not want my work to crash and burn and end this way.

What else? Maybe I should come out clean and just admit what desperation has come over me. I sobbed for no reason, the painful-hurts-your-chest kind of sobbing, yet the tightness is still there. Yet I know if I force myself, I can give in and cry.

Right now, for the lack of better words, it sucks to be me. I should give myself a pep-talk, but for now, I want to wallow in self-pity. Perhaps positive thinking is over-rated!

Great! University proxy blocked postsecret! How am I to survive Sundays now?

At the end of the day

I am a girl
And I am a sucker
And I am just jello-y and mushy
With a surplus of emotions
And a simple gesture
Or a smile
Or a touch
Can lead me on
And leave me longing

-------------------------

It's been a long year
With moments of self-discovery
Self-empowerment
Self-sufficiency
and heaps and heaps of self-confidence
I stood my ground
Stumbled one too many times
but emerged stronger
and wiser
and content

-------------------------

To you
For making it all so much better
For making sure I smile
For cushioning the blow
For making me feel like a woman

You are truly a star =)